Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
