Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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