Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
