Jerry, you need to find god
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
