whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's official drugs can't kill me
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
