Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
