I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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