I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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