New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
