I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
