I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
