Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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