You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pants are for mortals
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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