I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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