No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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