She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
