Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
