Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
