i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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