I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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