i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
