Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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