he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
