pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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