it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
