What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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