I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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