you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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