I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
