We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
