so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
