my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
