if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
