My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
