We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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