how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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