just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There's always time for handjobs
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
