I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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