Apparently you make a good broom.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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