I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
