i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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