Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
