I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
