Are my feet made of real feet?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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