I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I didn't notice because vodka
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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