took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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