After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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