i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
