Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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