I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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