sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
