I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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