have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am one with the molecules
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
