Jerry, you need to find god
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
