Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
