Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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