Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
